The four markers of relationship failure are what Dr. John Gottman calls the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. They are communication patterns, not personality flaws, and each has an antidote. Couples who learn the antidotes replace the markers of failure with the markers of success.
Key takeaways
- Per The Gottman Institute, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.
- In a 1992 study, Dr. Gottman predicted with 93.6 percent accuracy which couples would divorce. That is a warning sign, not a verdict.
- Every horseman has an antidote: gentle start up, appreciation and respect, taking responsibility, and physiological self soothing.
- Stable, happy couples still argue; they keep five or more positive interactions for every negative one during conflict.
Why do some relationships thrive while others fail?
Relationships are hard. They are messy, complicated, scary, and frustrating, and they are also the greatest, most fulfilling, and most important part of life. That is true of all relationships, with friends, children, parents, and siblings, but especially romantic ones.
No relationship is perfect, and there is no single answer to why one lasts and another crashes and burns. But with many years of counseling couples under my belt, I can tell you there are ways to predict relationship success. Dr. John Gottman's book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is one I recommend to couples, and our counselors and I use his Four Horsemen metaphor often. In my experience, these markers are spot on.
Can the Four Horsemen predict divorce?
According to The Gottman Institute's research FAQ, in a 1992 study Dr. Gottman predicted with 93.6 percent accuracy which couples would divorce. The Institute is careful about what that number means: a couple showing these patterns is behaving like the couples who divorced in that study. It does not mean a particular couple is destined to split. The same FAQ notes that the Four Horsemen predict early divorcing, an average of 5.6 years after the wedding, and that changing those negative behaviors to more positive ones can change the outcome.
What are the Four Horsemen?
The definitions below follow The Gottman Institute's guide to the Four Horsemen, with the examples I see most in my office.
1. Criticism
We are all bothered by certain things our partner does. Some are small; some drive you absolutely crazy. How you communicate that is key. A complaint is about a specific behavior. Criticism attacks your partner's character. "Are you that lazy that you can't remember to put the toilet seat down?" is criticism. "It really bothers me when the toilet seat is left up. Would you please try to remember next time?" is a complaint, and a much healthier approach.
2. Contempt
Contempt is an expression of superiority. It shows up as sarcasm, name calling, mocking, hostile humor, and eye rolling, all meant to make the other person feel foolish and small. The Gottman Institute calls contempt the single greatest predictor of divorce, which matches what I see: this kind of disrespect does significant damage to a relationship.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is self protection through righteous indignation, or playing the victim. It usually arrives as a response to criticism: excuses, counterattacks, and blaming your partner for everything going wrong so you never have to own your part. It breaks down healthy dialogue fast.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling happens when the listener withdraws from the conversation before the couple has reached resolution. The stonewaller tunes out, turns away, or physically leaves the room. It can look like not caring, but more often that partner is overwhelmed, or in Gottman's term, flooded, by the intensity of the argument. In Dr. Gottman's research, 85 percent of stonewallers were men, though anyone can stonewall. Once someone starts, it is very hard to re engage, and communication breaks down: one partner needs to walk away and decompress while the other needs to keep talking.
What are the antidotes to the Four Horsemen?
This is the success side of the title. Per The Gottman Institute's antidotes guide, each horseman has a specific counter move:
- Criticism, answered by a gentle start up. Talk about your feelings with "I" statements and ask for what you need in a positive way, instead of opening with "you."
- Contempt, answered by a culture of appreciation and respect. Regularly express appreciation, gratitude, and affection, so your default view of your partner stays positive.
- Defensiveness, answered by taking responsibility. Accept responsibility, even if only for part of the conflict. "You're right, I did say that" cools a fight faster than any airtight defense.
- Stonewalling, answered by physiological self soothing. Call a timeout and spend the break doing something calming on your own. It should last at least twenty minutes, because that is how long it takes your body to calm down. Then come back and finish the conversation.
What do successful couples do differently?
Successful couples are not conflict free. Gottman Institute research found that in stable, happy marriages there are five or more positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. They complain without attacking, disagree without contempt, own their part, and take breaks that end in a return, not an exit. The key to it all is communication, trust, honesty, and intimacy, practiced on ordinary days, not only during fights. For the day to day skills, see our guide on how to talk about relationship problems.
When should you get help?
If you recognize the same horsemen in most of your arguments, that is a pattern worth changing with support, not a reason for shame. At Foundations Counseling, our couples counseling and marriage counseling help partners identify the strengths in their relationship and the patterns to avoid, and learn to turn disagreements into information that helps you both.
One important caveat: the Four Horsemen describe everyday conflict between partners who are both safe. Contempt, name calling, and intimidation can also be part of abuse. Couples counseling is not the right starting point when there is abuse, intimidation, or fear in the relationship. If that is your situation, your safety comes first. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential, and available 24/7 at 1.800.799.7233, or text START to 88788. Individual abuse therapy is a safer place to start.
Frequently asked questions
What are the four markers of relationship failure?
The four markers are what Dr. John Gottman calls the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. According to The Gottman Institute, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. Each horseman has a practical antidote that couples can learn and practice together.
Can the Four Horsemen really predict divorce?
In a 1992 study, Dr. Gottman predicted with 93.6 percent accuracy which couples would divorce. The Gottman Institute cautions that this means a couple showing these patterns is behaving like the couples who divorced in that study. It is a warning sign, not a verdict, and changing the patterns changes the outlook.
What is the antidote to stonewalling?
Per The Gottman Institute, the antidote is physiological self soothing: call a timeout, then spend the break doing something calming on your own. The break should last at least twenty minutes, because that is how long it takes your body to calm down. Then come back and finish the conversation.
What are the markers of relationship success?
Successful couples still argue; they argue differently. Gottman Institute research found that in stable, happy marriages there are five or more positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. Gentle start ups, everyday appreciation, owning your part, and coming back after a break are the habits behind that ratio.
Should we see a couples therapist if we recognize these patterns?
If the same horsemen show up in most of your arguments, a couples therapist can help you spot the cycle and practice the antidotes in real time. Earlier is easier. Couples therapy is not the right starting point when there is abuse, intimidation, or fear in the relationship; call 1.800.799.7233 for confidential support.
Clinically reviewed by Chris Berger, M.A., LPC, NCC. Updated September 2026.
Ready to trade the horsemen for healthier habits?
Our caring therapists help couples across Fort Collins, Loveland, and Windsor break the cycle and rebuild connection. Your first consultation is free, and most new clients have their first appointment within about 48 hours. Schedule your free consultation or call 970.227.2770.
